Things that hurt

I’m probably going to delete this in the morning, particularly because it’s 0234 and won’t be well written.

I’d recently realized how completely head over heels I am for him. Not I could see myself falling for someone like you, but, I’ve totally fallen head over heels for you.

We were headed to a concert tonight, got sidetracked, and ended up driving around and talking instead. All dressed up.

“So we’d never be together because I’m going into the military?”
“Unlikely. I need someone here. You chose to go a different route.”

When people tell you not to join the military for other people and only for yourself…listen to them. I joined because I want to, but also to make my dad proud (look how that went) and to do what Adam encouraged — be motivated, go after my dream. I didn’t realize that going after it would mean  taking away any possibility of anything.

I didn’t tell him that I was upset, that it’s him, nothing. I decided that it would be better to keep now until September as normal and as far from awkward as possible. I know that I’m going to spend now until September trying to be better, trying to change his mind, hoping to make it work. I won’t be able to stop myself from that. Going three years with him as my best friend in a way where I was so close to him that I knew other guys would be upset about — upset about me talking to him more than them, telling him secrets, living with him — that I never got close enough to one to seriously date.

So I’ll continue working out, going to work, cleaning our house, pushing myself to motivate him, and trying to just be…better; even though I know that it won’t matter, that he’ll still need someone who can be here, and he’ll still want more than 30 days leave and short visits home. Knowing that it’s not fair to expect him to wait four years — and knowing that I don’t have what he needs anyway.

I need to enjoy what’s left while I still can.


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