Journal entry #3
I’ve left the apartment three times in the last week and a half, maybe. Once to Jamie and Tim’s house to create characters for a new campaign *pushes glasses up nose*, and the other two times were probably something small; I don’t remember exactly what.
My world currently consists of what’s contained inside of this 900 square foot apartment.
No wonder people don’t know how to strike up a conversation with me. Hah.
I desperately want to be as social as I used to be, and the notion terrifies me. Just a small social gathering can leave me anxiously pacing, my palms sweating, a headache pounding, my throat dry, my skin too tight, my stomach churning… I know, it will get easier as I participate more. Practice makes perfect, right? I just need to be comfortable enough to make it outside the apartment.
Before the DBS surgery, I could be found wobbling around the neighborhood, barely keeping my balance as I crossed busy intersections. People stared at me, drivers made comments out there open windows when I took a little too long to step onto a sidewalk – but it didn’t matter.
I don’t know how to get back to that.
Maybe it will be easier after this season. Once people are less likely to be out playing their societal roles as a consumers. Nothing wrong with that. Just makes me literally shake.
Oh, and I’m not trying to pass judgement. ‘Societal roles as consumers’ has multiple ‘s’ sounds. How am I going to improve my lisp if I don’t take every opportunity to practice correcting my lisping sounds?
Don’t freak out, I’m not about to hit another low. I’m just taking care of my newfound activity of updating my journal. You know, in case I forget things tomorrow.
I’d like to drive through the village to see the Christmas lights on the houses.
Am I sacrilegious for wanting to go see Christmas lights on the 2nd evening of Hanukkah? Am I even more sacrilegious for wanting to go see Christmas lights on the second evening of Hanukkah even though I don’t believe in a multiversal diety? A Jewish atheist. Maybe I should put up a yearly Festivus pole. Yep. Hannuchristivus, everyone!
Today’s been a good day.