I don’t want to be caught up in the Black Friday/Cyber Monday madness, whether it’s online or in person. I’m not on a self-righteous tirade and I don’t intend to throw shade on anyone who takes the opportunity to save a bit of money.
I’m just feeling in a way that makes me want to go somewhere and not give a damn about what I have. I want to chill with the people I give a shit about and just be.
No, it’s not because of Thanksgiving, and I haven’t turned hippy.
It’s because one of my dearest friends found the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, and that’s something to care about. It’s not an object – it’s intangible. And it cannot be purchased. That’s what I felt when I met, then married, Adam – and I won’t stop feeling it. It’s what I remember and will always remember. His family accepting me as one of their own, adopting me in.
People change people. Good or bad, they impact each other. People are precious.
It’s a good day, that’s all.
It’s been a long time and another year has gone by.
“A year goes by… and I can talk about it.”
5-year mark hit last November. I don’t remember when the last time I wrote was. Things have been… interesting.
Anyway, I won’t pick up where I left off. Too much has happened in the past months and it would be difficult to recap all of it. So, I’ll just start from here.
Well, I will tomorrow. Hah.
Last night I remembered how scared, how alone I’d been during hurricane Harvey.
Yeah, I’d busied myself with packing donations. That was before I’d realized I couldn’t get out of the apartment building, or that the atmospheric pressure changes had impacted me as they had.
I’m embarrassed to have been so affected when others lived through things of unimaginably different proportions.
I suppose I’ll go into detail later.
So, last night, after watching video clips and photos projected onto a large screen above a stage filled with Houstonians singing something beautifully and appropriately inspirational, I spent the remainder of the show ashamedly swiping away tears. Frustrated. Angry. I’ve no reason to complain.
I’d been as helpless as I’d felt during the hurricane. Vertigo, spasticity – crawling on the floor because my stomach wasn’t handling movement well enough to stand.
I had stopped eating and drinking water at some point because it made me sick. Five days? That was it. A measly five days in a midrise apartment building. I couldn’t handle five days. Ridiculous.
Help. I wanted to help, not need help. I contacted Houston-area family and friends. If any of them needed anything then, dammit, I would find a way.
Instead, reality. Dad rushed in when he’d heard I’d been alone through the storm. Off to hospital.
It amazed me that I had smiled and joked with EMTs during hospital transport. A bout of the familiar ‘low’ had hit during the few days of isolation. The small cuts on my arm attested to that; the female EMT had noticed and pressed about it. I told her that I had accidentally cut my arm during one of my falls.
Maybe that’s why the storm had – unbeknownst to me until last night – taken a toll on me. Maybe because I had been so low, and alone, and helpless – maybe that’s why I cried while watching that recap of the hurricane.
No one had noticed. I was glad for that.
Lightning outside. I pretended to be asleep while Dad drove me home so I wouldn’t have to see the lightning. Sometimes thunder and lightning don’t bother me at all, sometimes they do.
But now, like last night, I just want to paint and then go to sleep.