iTS 1:41AM and im supposed to be asleep..
I had a nightmare and normally itd be that i would call my big sister and she’d make it better, thats how it always was, my sister always made the monsters go away. I guess i miss how i could run over to her room and she’d still be awake, reading or writting like always. and i’d go in and she’d talk to me or just read me whatever book she was currently into. that always made it better.
Now it’s harder, because im the only one at home and calling just isnt the same as hearing a story.
A lot of things have changed, and at times im not sure i like how they changed. a lot of times i wish they hadnt. I’ll be starting school tuesday, yes, college. who’d of thought it’d begin so soon? it always seemed months or years away yet last week i woke up and realized its almost here. It’s kind of scary, because i’ve never been to anything like school…not even your basic classes at church without someone i knew. at least my first day i have a class with my brother 🙂
OH! i got to see my sister AND my brother today! that was awsome, though i kind of wish i had more time with them, all 3 of us together (even if one was sick..) was still the best thing since ice cream! (yes they are my two favorite people)
Got the best text from Adamababaish yesterday, saying were going to build light sabers for my birthday present!!!! how awsome is that?? it made my entire year! (yes i am a BIG star wars fan)
so looking at my checklist i realized..i dont have very big things on my to do lists:
1: get hair cut.
2: get school books and bag.
Got my hair cut, no worries its still black and pink but now theres dark red in it too.
Got all my school stuff (bag included, FINALLY!)
YES! i completed it. score one for 2010! i actually completed a to do list for like the first time ever!
I’m SaFe Up HiGh,
NoThIng CaN ToUcH mE…
Since the quake that hit Haiti earlier this week, I’ve been following updates and stories closely. CNN, MSNBC, Yahoo!, TIME…I feel as though I’ve been stalking Haiti.
I came across the story of Molly Hightower, who is a 22 year-old volunteer for the organization Friends of the Orphans. She signed up to spend a year in Haiti as a childcare worker, hoping to someday work in international adoption.
Today, I scoured the Friends of the Orphans website and her blog. Today, rescuers found Molly buried in the rubble of the orphanage she was volunteering at. She wasn’t alive anymore.
What else did I find out? That a little Guatemalan girl that I had sponsored together with my friend, Kaylee, was from NPH. I had been thirteen at the time and didn’t know which organization the girl was from — simply that I put my money in an envelope along with a letter and gave it to my mother to mail off. I don’t know what happened to her.Friends of the Orphans offers international volunteering. All you do is get vaccinations and pay for your air fare. They pay for your housing, food, and needs for a year. They encourage longer stays. I’ve decided to go. Of course, I’ll have to wait until I don’t have any financial responsibilities holding me here (car, lease, credit cards, etc.), so it will be at least 3 – 4 years until I can go. Maybe the orphanage that Molly worked at will be rebuilt by then. Maybe I’ll get to work where she worked. Maybe I’ll be able to care for the same children that she cared for.
I just wish that I could go now. There’s an unyielding, unhinging, uninhibited, inexplicable desire to help.
Even if it’s not Haiti. Even if it’s Guatemala, El Salvadore, Bolivia…wherever.
Molly, little Guatemalan Illonka, I’ll be there as soon as I can.
What did I do for New Year’s?
Taking photos of his sick, annoying little roommate? Check. Hot water for foot soaking? Check. Thermometer, blanket adjustments and additions? Check. I mean, really. I had that fever for a week and he took care of me the entire time, even though I was a little insane. Best guy ever.
Yesterday, Adam’s dad came over to help us hang the massive mirror that my parents gave me for Christmas. We stopped off at Lowe’s for…something, and I ended up buying violets and a swirly plant (don’t remember what it’s called) for the mini bay window in the old dining room.
I sat in the study, wrapped up in 5 different blankets, big fuzzy sucks, a scarf, and a beanie with a 101.9 fever, chills, headache, and dizziness. It was the best New Year’s eve of my life. Why? ‘Cause I spent it with Adam, who, by the way, is wonderful at taking care of sick people.
I bought a little one in a bright planter for my sister. Reminded me of her.
Anyway, I’m off to watch the Colbert Report with Adam. 🙂
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you and everyone’s coming up on a second Christmas without you. I know I haven’t been around lately…it’s been kinda hectic. Christmas is in three days. I owe you some flowers, don’t I?
There’s some new people coming around and some old ones that haven’t been around who are coming back too. I’ve gotten myself into a few dilemmas lately — the kind that I wish I had your help on. You know, the kind where you’d joke around and then suddenly get all serious for a few minutes and say the exact thing that needed to be said, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
There’s a few other things going on lately — I’m seeing a doctor in January to find out what’s really going on. The bruising, fatigue, chills, aches, nausea, night sweats…so gross, I know.
Sometimes I wonder what it is you’re doing. I know alot of us wonder that, but…I wonder if everything they talk about is real. Are you really where they say you are? Does it actually exist? And…a little more selfishly…why’d you get to go and I didn’t? Okay, yeah, that was actually really selfish. But I wonder why. You know, I never really said this, but I’m really kind of mad that you left. Or had to leave. Whatever. The point is, you left, even though it wasn’t your fault. I’m mad at you for leaving just as much as I’m mad at Jennifer for leaving, and I’m mad at whatever it was that made both of you go.
I’m pissed off at whoever was driving that truck that hit her and I’m pissed off at the tree that you hit. Really, how completely irrational is that? I’m mad at a tree. You have no idea how many times I’ve seriously considered driving back to Kingwood and chopping that damn tree down. And I’m sure that some people, at least subconsciously, are mad about Kate. I didn’t really know her, but you know what? I’m mad about Kate, too. But, shhh…it’s a secret. It’s one of those things that people aren’t supposed to say that they feel. Know what that means? I’m mad at quite a few people over the past year. You and Kate, Jennifer, Al, Kerry, David…even little Iona Grace. Yeah, I’m mad at Iona, too…and that’s something that’s absolutely ridiculous. It doesn’t even make sense.
Today, I was thinking about all of you and how we won’t get to see you for a very, very long time, if ever at all. And you know what else doesn’t make sense? Even though all of you died in ways that I certainly wouldn’t want for myself, you were the lucky ones. You’re the ones that are somewhere else, somewhere far, far away from everything here. You’re not the ones who had to stick around and clean up all of the messes. You just made them while you were leaving. I’m not supposed to say that, either. You didn’t have to keep Iona’s secret, you didn’t have to sit through all of the funerals and wish that you’d gone to Jumps with Kerry more, or that you’d introduced Jennifer to your family.
If you saw all of that, did you feel as helpless as everyone here did? But, it’s okay if you didn’t. Even though I’m mad at all of you, for no logical reason at all, I’m happy that you didn’t have to sit through the funerals, smile at people afterwards, shake hands and hug people that you really didn’t want to hug. So, it’s okay. I’m happy for all of you, even though it might be difficult to tell. Us, the ones that didn’t get to go, we’re the unlucky ones. But luck changes. We’ll all get our chances to see you again, when the time’s right, and, you know, if wherever you are really exists. I hope it does. Yeah…really, I do.
There’s something really, really sick about all of it. You’re here, and then you’re gone. You’re growing up, you’ve got a boyfriend, friends, family, people depending on you — and then you just disappear. There’s a crash, failed CPR, glass and debris, midnight candlelights, caskets, flowers, and a butterfly funeral. There’s goodbyes and tears, people who turn out okay and people who turn out angry. But it’s nobody’s fault, I know. I miss you guys, alot. I know that none of this makes much sense at all, but I figured I might as well tell you while I’m thinking about it.
I love you, kid.
Yesterday, after announcing to Adam that I would be devoting time and money into my appearance, we went to see Avatar. Now, I hadn’t been feeling well at all the entire day, so we went to the 2 AM showing. I’d begun to feel up to seeing it by then. So I decided that I wanted to wear makeup..felt weird. Whatever. Tomorrow, I’m picking up new shampoos, soaps, foundation, getting a mani and pedi, and fixing the mane of hair I currently have.
Or, that’s my intention, anyway. It likely won’t happen for at least another week or so.
Anyway, we got in at 6 AM. Avatar was incredible and I slept until 3 PM today.
And now, I’m going to gulp down a good 64oz of water. Yep.
The leather of the couch stuck to my legs as I shifted, pulled my feet beneath me and curling against the arm rest. I shivered slightly, sitting in the living room in my panties and t-shirt, my blanket having carelessly slipped away and down to the cold wooden floor. I stared aimlessly into the dark, only barely able to make out the shape of the large TV in front of me.
I fought the urge to leave the house. Adam, asleep in his bed, Athena curled up on his back. This house is home now, I reminded myself. But my thoughts kept slipping back to the night before, to how it had almost felt normal, sitting in CiCi’s with my parents, Derrick and Crystal. Andrea hadn’t been there, though, so it hadn’t felt quite right. Sometimes I miss the way things were, to the point where I get out of bed to get away from the nightmares and sit in the living room, thinking about car rides to Colorado and dinners in the living room around the TV.
I felt sick again. My skin hurt, I’d drenched my pillow in sweat, I hadn’t kept my food down and I was too tired to sleep well. Memories of car wrecks and arguments kept slipping into my head while I dozed, somewhere between awake and asleep.
I shook my head. I’ve lived on my own for nearly four years now. I’m twenty years old. Yes, things would be easier if I went back home, but I simply can’t do that. I don’t accept help unless I absolutely can’t do it on my own anymore. My parents taught me that, and it made me absolutely determined to keep from accepting help if there were other ways, other available options. I swiped at my face, rubbing the moisture into my t-shirt. My toes hit the floor and I felt my way through the library and kitchen to the back door. Standing on the small balcony, shivering, looking out at what parts of the city I could see from there; fighting the urge to slip into a pair of jeans and get on a bus and go anywhere. I wanted to move, to slip out and not come back. I want to simply go away.
My thoughts turned to Adam, sleeping in his bed, peaceful. I knew I wouldn’t make it without him. I shut the door behind me as I stepped back inside. My feet led me to his bedside and I sat down, Athena looking up at me curiously, her whiskers lightly rubbing against my hand. I wrapped my arms around Adam’s shoulders. Things will be okay.
My brow furrows as I glare at the screen of my laptop.You miss Joelle. Write about her. But I can’t pick a particular memory. I’ve spent the last six, almost seven years with her — how can I pick just one? I keep running through memories of her; of going to the lake and sitting on the dock to talk for hours; shivering in the freezing cold as we ran up the sidewalk to the college; Joelle standing on a stage, belting her heart out and showering the world with tinkling silver notes that angels would envy. Walking the streets of New York with her and Mo; singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and glancing over to see her radiant smile. The shocking amount of gratitude that filled me at the amount of concern she felt when I told her that I might be sick, when I told her about the wreck, when I told her about the little one; the way she’d throw her arms open wide and tilt her head back in the middle of the mall, music soaring from her mouth. The way she has a song for absolutely every possible situation.
Yes. She is my other half.
I just sent her a text: I miss you in amazing amounts. :[
She helps me with boy situations, with work, with school, with life decisions. I just wouldn’t be me without her.
Thanks, lady. ❤
Last night, my ex-boyfriend sent me a message. I ignored it, but I know that I’m still going to feel “off” for a while.TODAY, I REALIZED THE VOICE IN MY HEAD YELLS WHEN I READ ALL-CAPS…and when I yell in my head, it converts to all caps. I bet yours does too. I was at the administration office downtown getting my car registration done. It was because I told a girl that I burned 36% of my body when I was 6. She gasped and said, “OMG, did you live?!” So I thought “DID YOU REALLY JUST SAY “OMG” IN A SENTENCE?!?!” in all caps…and I didn’t burn 36% of my body. She just looked gullible.
Anyway, I went to the admin office downtown and got my vehicle registration done. Then I went to see dad and he took my to get my brakes fixed. Then I almost started crying while talking to mom while we were waiting for the mechanics to finish up with my car.
1.) My math professor failed me, even though I had A’s and B’s. Now I have to message her and find out WHY.
2.) Money’s way too tight. All those hospital bills from that wreck are still waiting to be paid, taxes from when I was an independent contractor, and the remainder of the car that’s still owed from that stupid girl that hit me.
All right before Christmas. My sister was talking about how she’s already gotten everyone’s gifts. I haven’t had enough extra cash to get anyone’s just yet. It’s going to be a crappy Christmas. =P I’m twenty years old. I shouldn’t have to worry about these things.I’m considering:
a.) post-poning the rest of college until everything gets paid off or
b.) joining the Air Force before I finish college in order to get everything paid off.
Whatever. This sucks.
Mom suggested that Adam and I buy a house together. I just looked at what she’s talking about. It’s a really great idea, but I’m still reeling from the suggestion.
That’s it for now. Going back to bed.
I’m happy that Adam’s home.
That being said:
Hey, Adam. I hope you’re doing well. Don’t go out in the rain…it’s easy to get sick in NY. The house doesn’t feel right without you — when it’s just me and Athena. I’m okay with 3, because you’re the other 1/3. You, me, and Athena = 3. Yeah. I’m okay with 3’s. I’m making lemon bars tomorrow. We’ll have them when you get back. Avatar this weekend, okay?
***added 5 minutes later***
Yesterday, Logan, Imah, Andrea and I went to a baroque concert downtown, then to a sushi place in Midtown. So, here's a few photos.